Monday, June 24, 2013

A Few Things Birthmoms Want Adoptive Families To Know...



We hosted our first Birthmother Retreat last month and took the opportunity, while we had such a powerful group assembled, to ask these young ladies for some things that they wish they could tell adoptive families about themselves.  The nuggets of wisdom that we gleaned from that simple exercise are priceless and we want to give a platform in this post for them to be shared.

  • I made an adoption plan because I was mature enough to know that I wasn't ready to parent a child
  • I don't want you to look down on me because I got pregnant before I was ready to parent
  • Love me for who I am - I am not perfect and will make lots of mistakes and so will you
  • The months and years after an adoption are a healing process, I still have good days and bad days.  If I back away from the relationship for a short period of time, please respect that it is part of my healing process and try to be understanding
  • I didn't choose adoption because I am selfish; I made an adoption plan because I knew that an adoptive family could give my child the life that I can't give him or her right now
  • Although my child has already been placed with you, their forever family, I still think about them every day
  • I love my child, and always will, but I also love the you and your family.  You are family to me and I hope that you view me and my family as a part of yours
  • I might not get to be a "mom" but I am still a mother
  • We are not going to steal our birth children - we want them to be happy and secure in the family we chose for them and not traumatized
  • Please acknowledge us on Mother's Day - you might be the only ones who do
  • I place my child for adoption out of love and sacrifice, it wasn't because I didn't love my child or wanted the "easy way out" - adoption has been the most difficult decision I have ever made
  • I want to be included in the big things and milestones in my child's life but it means a lot when you include me in the little things too
  • My child will always have a special place in my heart
  • As we talk about our relationship, I want the you to be honest about what you really want
  • My greatest desire is for my relationship with your family to grow through the years
  • You don't have to pretend that you're perfect, I know that I am not and my family is not.  It would make me feel more "normal" if I knew some of the things that were not perfect in your family too.  Share with me your challenges, dysfunctions, and about your "crazy" family members
  • I hope that you don't feel threatened or overwhelmed if my family wants to get to know you too
  • I want you to be comfortable enough to ask me the hard questions about the birthfather or the situation, but I also want you to be respectful if I don't have the answers
  • Stay strong and hopeful if you are seeking adoption and haven't been chosen.  There is a birth family who is looking for the qualities that are found in your family
  • Take as many pictures as possible - there will never be too many.  We want to see pictures of everyday activities, not just posed pictures.  Send us pictures of him or her throwing a fit, covered from head to toe in pudding or paint, and doing other activities.  We also want to see pictures, not only of our child, but of you too
  • I am the only person who will be just as excited as you about the mundane details of the child's life, so ramble away in as much detail as you can share
  • We chose you to raise our child, so we want to have updates about you and not just updates about the child
  • Now that I've placed a child with you, we are all family
  • We love you so much


6 comments:

Heidi Russo said...

Wonderful, heart-felt, raw emotion and desire written here. I am a birth mother and these feelings are spot on. Thank you!

Nebraska birthmom said...

Very much true. I wish my adoptive family would read this.

Anonymous said...

As the mother of a birth father, I can appreciate these words of wisdom, but I will never forget the pain my son feels, nor the insignificance of his role of a birth father. My son is consistently forgotten because he is only the birth father. His life has been shattered, and no one cares.

crystal said...

I am an adoptive mother and appreciate these nuggets being shared.

Deanne Hamlette said...

We would love to have the opportunity to counsel more birthfathers and bring them in as a part of the process. Our agency offers the same services to birthmothers and birthfathers, if they desire follow-up with the caseworker. Hopefully the same is available for your son with whatever agency the child was placed through. There is a blog written by a birthfather that you might find of interest - www.statisticallyimpossible.blogspot.com

Ted Smith said...

I cannot imagine the pain you felt throughout all of this. One thing though that you should always remember is that you will always be Elijah's mom. No matter what he will be apart of you. My family adopted two children a while ago and we love them to death. I know the decision was hard but you can also remember that you have helped a family who has wanted a child. That's the way it was with my family. I admire you and your bravery.

http://www.achildsdream.org/adoptive-parents/the-adoption-process.html

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