Every birthmother & birthfather experiences grief and loss when choosing to make an adoption plan. Although the general stages of grief can be applied to each situation, every individual moves through the stages in a unique way and on a different timeline. One FLS birthmother has chosen to share some of her feelings during a difficult moment in the process, to allow others to empathize with the normal feelings that birthparents must experience to get through the grieving process.
There are many days I question myself. Lately, I have been in a bad mood and just not really wanting to talk to anyone. I feel as if no one understands what I have been through. FLS told us we would go through many different feelings of loss after placement, but I really didn’t think that would happen to me.
I knew what I did was right! Then, I started seeing other young girls around me who were able to take care of their baby...why couldn’t I?
I started to doubt my decision. I didn’t really want to talk to the adoptive family anymore. They were happy...and I wasn’t. I started to get upset that they had MY baby until I realized these things - I barely have money to put gas in my car, pay for my car and now pay for school. How on earth do I think I could support a baby!? How would I be able to pay for diapers, formula, and clothes and still support myself? I told myself when I was pregnant, “I WILL NOT rely on my parents to support me!” Yet, that’s exactly what I would be doing if I was parenting a baby right now.
So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I go to the box where I have kept everything the adoptive family has given to me. I start reading EVERY card they have ever sent to me and look at all the pictures they given me and think to myself - “My baby girl is happier and better taken care of then I could ever have done myself at this point in my life.” I know this will not be the end of my hard days but I know that...in the end…I made the right decision.
Here's a great article to help you understand more about Birth Parent Loss and Grief.