Follow Us On Twitter

Family Life Services is now on Twitter!  You can click on FlsAdoption to find our page or search Family Life Services from Twitter.  This is a great way for you to keep up-to-date on all the information that we are sending out to families to assist them on the lifelong journey of adoption.  We hope to be able to follow you as well! 

Have a great day,
Deanne

Petition to Extend the Adoption Tax Credit

As I am sure you are fully aware, there are many costs and fees associated with adopting a child.  Sometimes these costs keep families from adopting, however , there are many families who have been able to say, “Yes”, to adopting a child because of the Federal Adoption Tax Credit.

We were all excited to hear, when the health care bill was passed, that the Federal Adoption Tax Credit was raised to $13,170 and that the bill also made the credit refundable.  However, this credit that is available for international and domestic adoptions, is set to expire in December 2011.  So what can you do?  You can help to make this credit permanent by writing to your representatives and asking them to support The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act, H.R. 213.  Go to: writerep.house.gov, type in your zip code, and write a short message to your representative. It will be 5-10 minutes of your day well spent!

Rachel Curley
Adoption Caseworker

Fresh Ideas for Communicating with Birth Parents using Photographs

For most adoptive families, sending photographs and updates to birth parents via letters, pictures, video clips, etc. has become a regular part of the relationship-building process between adoptive and birth families.  However, this can become monotonous after months and months of sending groups of pictures of a posed, smiling baby or perfectly groomed family in front of a picturesque landscape.  One of our adoptive families, Jesse and Jenny, started taking pictures of themselves and their son, Elijah, with signs that simply showed his age, a simple message, etc. I absolutely love the concept and they make wonderful, artistic, frame-worthy images for the birth parents.

There are other ways to incorporate your child's personality, activities, and even temperament into the catalogue of photos.  Consider these suggestions as a starting point to taking some creative photos of small children "in action":

• Small children are rarely still, looking at a camera - so don't stress.  Catch them on the move and from different angles (ie. photograph them taking unsteady steps from behind, walking holding the hands of a parent, running barefoot through the grass, picking dandelions, running through the sprinkler, enjoying an ice cream cone, etc.)
• Catch the child blowing bubbles outdoors and have them blow bubbles at the camera while taking a close-up shot of their face
• Capture a moment of them studying something new and interesting as they try to figure it out (ie. the baby and the family dog/cat studying one another, staring at an aquarium full of colorful fish, etc.)
• Don't be afraid to show the "real" moments once in awhile by catching them in an unconventional way such as when they are snoozing, pouting, or even having a royal temper tantrum....they are just kids, right?

The main thing to remember is to have fun with it!  Send great pictures to the birth parents as they are treasured far above any other material thing that you could send, but don't always worry about sending pictures that make the child look like they are perfect all the time...that is unrealistic for even the best of children and parents.

Watch the Mountains

Nate and Sara completed the adoption of their two children, Eden and Caleb, from Ethiopia in 2009.  Sara skillfully and beautifully documents their adoption journey in her blog, Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet.  Visit her blog and you will be blessed, encouraged, and will be able to relate to the honest feelings behind each post.  "Watch The Mountains" is being used, by permission, from her entry on May 3, 2010.

I think we’ll always wonder if certain behaviors from our children are a result of their past before they were adopted, or even a result of the adoption process itself.

They both have taken to crawling into my arms and asking if they can “be Mommy’s baby.” This comes with requests for me to walk with them, rock them, “burp” them, hold them close and show them off.

“Please show Daddy mommy’s baby,” Caleb says.

“Of course,” I say. “Daddy, do you see that I am holding the most precious baby God has ever made … his name is Caleb Asnaka. And he’s all mine.”

Caleb’s eyes sparkle with deep contentment.

And although she demonstrates no mental delays, Eden continues to have a hard time grasping that she won’t again get to be a baby. She says often: “when I grow up and then I get to be a baby.” Does she have a sense of what she lost? Dehydrated of opportunities to be held, cuddled, nurtured?

As Caleb’s attachment has progressed … and progressed … and progressed, I am seeing more of his tender heart emerge. He cries when his sister is hurt. Any sense of fear sends him bolting to me and clawing his way up and around my neck. He gives lots of “surprise kisses.” (I’ve decided not to tell him that the warning that they’re coming negates the very surprise he plants.)

Is he so tender because of the early years of his life spent with so much uncertainty?

I don’t know that we’ll ever know the answers to these questions, but one thing I am certain of is this: being orphaned for a day–or, as with Eden, for nearly 4 years–has a profound impact on a child’s life. I can barely stand to think about what would have happened to my precious children had they not been in our home.

And there are millions of others like them. Imprinted with the DNA of God, called “His sons and daughters”, and left to starve on the streets. World-influencers, at the bottom of the food chain … forgotten.

But not by Him.

We pray in our house that God would bring the “little boys and girls without mommies and daddies into families.” But there are some not in line to be brought into families. More than some. And when we pray about them, we pray that God would be their great Daddy.

Maybe forgotten by their biological parents. Maybe forgotten by the world. Maybe overlooked by the passer-by on the street. But not by God.

While we wait on the “go ahead” for our next adoption and for some other orphan-related work He has put on our hearts, this prayer has become more frequent: God, be their Daddy.

Let the stories that emerge from these orphaned lives be ones that speak of a God who is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 86). Let the orphans of the earth rise up and call Him Father.

Our adoption has made an impact. When we look at those two lives, our measurements suggest a size-able dent. But these prayers of ours have the ability to move mountains.

So do yours.

Let us not, in our rush to “just do something”, forget that all power lies in His hands.

Our plumb line to Him is our first form of advocacy.

Nate and I love advocacy on behalf of orphans and the poor. But could it be that all those Scriptural encouragements to pray, to cry out, is where the real work begins? Evidence continues to confirm to me that the place of prayer–seeking His face and His heart, not our solutions and our plans–brings “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3).

Give it a week. Or a month. Or a year. Set your plans for the passion that’s burning in your heart aside. And pray. Ask God for His heart, His plans, His strategies. And listen.

And (urgh) wait.

It’s probably bigger than you ever thought, maybe more challenging, requiring you to be more anonymous while He is lifted up … but certainly a lot more fun.

Then watch the mountains.

Mark 11:22-24 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

The Impact of Social Networking on Domestic Infant Adoption

With the increased popularity of social networking websites, comes a whole new group of considerations for those involved in the domestic adoption world as it becomes almost impossible to maintain complete privacy.  Not to say that complete privacy and anonymity is required in adoption-I believe just the opposite in most cases.  But there is a time and place for everything.  From an adoption agency's standpoint, it has made our job easier in many respects:  we can often "find" birth fathers to notify them of a potential adoption plan, we can reach out to establish communication with birth mothers who have lost their connection with the agency, and we can reconnect with birth and adoptive families who have moved and forgotten to provide the agency with updated contact information. 

These websites have become our "go-to" tools for locating people and allow us to both gain and verify information - however, there are many things that must be considered by birth parents and adoptive parents who choose to participate in social networking.

First of all, let me say that there is nothing wrong with having a social networking page, connecting with others through social networking, etc. as long as it is done responsibly, honestly, and carefully.  We have many adoptive families and birth parents who decide that these connections are the most practical way for them to stay in touch on a regular basis through short comments, photo sharing, etc.  However, we have other groups who find that this is an area of their lives that they would rather not involve in the adoption relationship and choose to continue to use conventional means of communication (visits, phone calls, email, letters).  It must be a personal choice, yet one that you consider given your very own adoption situation.

Below are some practical tips for birth parents and adoptive families to help you enjoy the benefits of social networking without the added stress.

• Make all privacy settings restrictive so you have as much control as possible regarding who can gather the information that you make available to others.  Ensure that you must "approve" any individual who wishes to gain access to this information. 
• If you allow your page to be "searched" on the site, keep in mind that it may not be difficult to find your page by searching your first name and general geographical location.
• For birth parents, only post pictures that you would be comfortable with the adoptive family and child viewing and vice versa.  Keep in mind that posts made by you or others reflect on your character and don't be afraid to delete things posted by others if you feel they are questionable.
• Choose a setting to keep your photo albums private so that only your approved "friends" can view the photos.  This is often an overlooked setting and may be totally separate than the privacy settings for the rest of your profile.
• It is not uncommon for an adoptive family's extended family or friends to make friend requests of the birth mother, etc.  Be sure that any "new connections" between both families are disclosed and agreed upon by the birth parent and adoptive parents. 
• For adoptive parents, also be respectful and mindful of other birth parents that you may know through adoptive family connections.  Be careful not to step on toes or overstep boundaries.
• Remember that there is no way to completely protect information about yourself on the internet.  Therefore, if you feel really nervous about your information being available, social networking may not be for you at this stage of your life or adoption process.

With the increasing openness between birth parents and adoptive families, networking can be a great tool and can be very beneficial to each party.  However, it is best to have an established relationship on which to launch from into a social networking relationship.  I do recommend that "waiting adoptive families" and birth parents in the process of selecting an adoptive family make these personal connections by other means until all parties mutually agree to opening up their social networking pages.  Feel free to share other questions or ideas about this topic, we'd love to learn from you too!

Happy Adoption Day, Hannah Grace!

Friday, April 23rd was a special adoption celebration at Family Life Services as Hannah Grace became the daughter of adoptive parents, Eric and Heidi.  Hannah Grace is Eric and Heidi's first child and this special day was celebrated with some extended family members from Heidi's family. 

Eric and Heidi first met Hannah Grace's birth mother at the beginning of this year and made an immediate connection with her as they shared about what God has done in each of their lives and how He had led each of them on their respective journeys.  The day was a vivid reminder of God's grace, protection, and goodness to each of His children.  A slideshow has been posted on the sidebar with pictures from this blessed placement day for Hannah Grace.

The Best For You - By Kelsey Stewart

The Best For You, by Kelsey Stewart, is a unique children's book that is written from the birth mother's perspective to a child placed into an adoptive family.  It simply, yet delicately, explains how the birth mother found out that she was pregnant at a time that she was young, not married, and wanted her child to be raised in a secure home, by two parents, who would love her child just as much as she did.  This book does a masterful job of conveying the love of a birth mother, basic reasons for choosing an adoption plan for a child, how the birth mother decided that she was not ready to parent, what she was looking for in an adoptive family, and the sacrifices that she made to provide the best future for her child.

For parents of an adopted child, this book provides positive affirmation for a child, of any age, and opens the door to an age-appropriate conversation about the child's own birthmother.  The concepts and values in this story can be applied to any domestic, infant adoption situation where birth parents voluntarily make an adoption plan.  From the beginning pages that read, "This is a story about love.  This is a story about a gift from God that became an even greater gift to a family.  This is a story about a beautiful baby whom I gave birth to.  This is a story about you." to the closing statements of, "Always know that I love you.  Adoption does not mean that I gave up.  Adoption does not mean you were not loved or not wanted.  Adoption means you have more than one family who loves you.  Adoption means you will always be in my heart, whatever I may do.  Adoption means I wanted the best for you." - the message is one of mutual respect for the birth mother and adoptive parents and one centered around unconditional love for the child.

The illustrations are simple, hand-drawn pictures yet they seem to enhance the authenticity of the story as it is not one driven by commercialism, but rather one directly from the heart of a birth mother.  There is one section in the story that references the birth mother placing the child directly with the adoptive family in the hospital setting, which would not directly apply to families who utilized foster care, yet would be a time for adoptive parents to pause for discussion.  I give this book a positive recommendation and believe that it fills a gap where literature has not been available in the past.  The Best for You is available directly from the publisher for $9.99 at AuthorHouse Publishing, but is also available from Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

The author, Kelsey Stewart, is the mother of 5 children:  a daughter and twin boys that she placed for adoption and two boys that she is raising with her husband.  She is an advocate for open adoption and loves to share her positive adoption story with others to show that she has been able to become a healthy, happy, and experience mother.  Her personal blog is The Birth Mother Voice. 

Adoptive Families Magazine - Mommy and Me Contest Winner

Adoptive Families Magazine has a number of photo contests throughout the year to feature families in their magazine.  Pictured to the left is the recent winner of the Mommy and Me contest for Mother's Day.  You can view some of the runners up here.  FLS has had several of our families' photos featured in the magazine and we hope to see several more!

Appropriately, there is a Daddy and Me photo contest that is open for entries until May 20th.  Visit the link to review guidelines and see how to submit an entry.  The winning photos will be featured in the July/August issue of Adoptive Families Magazine.  Get outside and begin capturing those precious moments with your kids!

There's Always Something to Learn...

Our guest blogger is Erica Dogini, Adoption Caseworker.  Erica works with birth families and adoptive families for pre-placement and post-placement services and is also the facilitator of an Adoption Class and monthly Birth Mother Support Group.

The Caseworkers of FLS had the opportunity to attend the Barker Foundation Annual Adoption Conference, located at The University of Maryland, on Saturday, April 10th. The theme was “From Patches to Quilt: The Joys and Challenges of Complex Blended Families.” This message was definitely accomplished from the beginning session with keynote speaker, Collins Tuohy (the daughter of the family portrayed in The Blind Side) to the closing address by Scott Simon, an international adoptive father and inspirational radio announcer for National Public Radio.

The conference provided a variety of classes led by experts and individuals with personal adoption stories. Each year, this conference is a highlight for our agency’s staff and would be a wonderful investment for waiting adoptive families or adoptive families to attend as well (www.BarkerFoundation.org). One session, in particular, that impacted me was the testimony of Rhonda Roorda, an adult African American woman who was adopted into a Caucasian family. Her insights challenged me professionally and caught my personal attention while opening my mind to considering new aspects of transracial adoption.

Rhonda provided a glimpse into what it was like being raised in a Caucasian family. She shared the following key concepts:

• She relayed the feelings of an adopted person who desired to fit into her family and shared adoptees will try to assimilate into their family, at the cost of their own cultural identity.
• She shared about her struggle to connect with individuals who were the same race as herself.
• She identified herself as an adopted person who advocates for transracial adoption.
• She made a point to acknowledge that, although it has come a long way in recent years, transracial adoption still has major areas in need of improvement.

Her personal and practical suggestions for transracial adoptive families are the following:

• Provide diversity in your child’s life (examine your communities—is your child the only minority?).
• Provide a mentor of the same race and gender as well as someone who shares the family’s values.
• Provide books and materials about the history and customs of the child’s culture of origin. For an adopted child, having the option to explore his or her heritage within the family reinforces acceptance of their identity and affection from their family.
• Provide the necessary tools for your child to advocate for him or herself – Society’s view of your child is not necessarily the same as your view, prepare them for challenges and teach them how to stand up for themselves.

Adoptive families who desire to adopt transracially may feel a sense of worry or a burden that they are not equipped or do not possess what it takes to raise a child of another race. I would like to leave you with something Collins Tuohy said that stayed with me, “Don’t raise your child based on race, but as how you want them to be as individuals. Raise them in such a way that they will acquire the attributes and standards you desire him or her to possess to be successful.”

The Highs and Lows of "Dating" Birthparents

Prospective adoptive families who are waiting for a domestic infant adoption placement often draw comparisons between "the wait" in adoption and the dating process.  Can any of you remember the teenage years, when you first began to date and think about the possibility of marriage?  You wonder if you will fall head over heels for your first boyfriend/girlfriend, worry about if someone will ever "choose" you as their life partner, and fear having your heart broken in the process.  I'm sure that more than one of us can recall trying to become what we thought the other person would like, but that is often an exhausting charade to keep up for more than a few weeks.  Similar feelings can translate when you are waiting to see if there are birth parents who will feel that they match with your family for a lifelong relationship centered around one, tiny baby.

Families have expressed fears of not being rich enough, attractive enough, athletic enough, young enough, and the list goes on and on.  Eventually, we realize that all we can do is be who God made us to be.  That is not to say that you shouldn't try to put your best food forward to connect with others, but it is to say that chemistry and connections are often made between two people or groups of people that an outsider may not necessarily link together. 

It is not uncommon to meet several different birth parents throughout "the wait" and a connection may be felt by one side, but not the other. Certainly, there are very real emotions and very real heart breaks in the adoption process. On the flip side, family after family have reflected back on the interview process and could see why various situations wouldn't have been right for their family and why the birth parents who selected their family are absolutely irreplaceable.

Adoptive Families Circle has posted a blog called "Dating" Birthparents that builds on this comparison that is so relatable for waiting adoptive families.

Tips for Effective Networking

I know that there is a lot of paperwork and preparation involved in getting your file ready to work with one agency that to think of networking or possibly pursuing other programs can seem very overwhelming. The amount of "extra" paperwork depends greatly on the agency. One of the best recommendations that I can give to a family that is potentially looking to network their profile is to ask questions BEFORE making any kind of financial commitment to another agency. It is often best to ask questions via email so you have recorded responses to refer back to later and can share accurate information with your spouse as you talk about if and how to proceed. Here are some key tips for effective networking:

1. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of whether the networking contact is an attorney, a licensed agency, an adoption facilitator, etc. If the agency is a licensed agency and you have not heard of them, I highly recommend that you ask them to fax you a copy of the license or verify it in some other way).
2. Ensure that the agency that you are currently working with is aware that you are pursuing networking opportunities and be sure to inform them of any new developments with other agencies.
3. Ask what paperwork you will be required to submit prior to being considered for an adoption placement and any additional paperwork that may be required before a placement occurs.
4. Gain a clear understanding of the adoption fees and make sure that you understand if there are additional fees relating to legal fees, living expenses, medical expenses, etc.
5. Ask how parental rights are terminated and if they would be terminated at the time of placement with an adoptive family.
6. Create an extra photo profile that can be sent by mail or electronically to other agencies if the need arises.
7. Follow your intuition and don't continue in the process if something doesn't seem right.

Here are a couple of organizations that are involved in matching home studied adoptive families with potential birth parent situations that you may want to visit: Christian Adoption Consultants and Special Link. Does anyone have additional tips to share for prospective adoptive families who are looking at possibly networking with other agencies?

Happy Adoption Day, Jesse Taylor!

Friday was a joyful day at FLS - placement day!  These are the days that I work for...days that cannot be compared to any other.  I often think of placement day as the ultimate celebration of God's faithfulness to a birth family, an adoptive family, and a precious child. 

The Godparent Home was adorned with baby blue decorations and photos of a tiny miracle - Jesse Taylor (3 weeks old).  Some of the sweetest moments take place just before placement as the birth mother, Chrizar, visits with the baby and checks him to make sure that he is dressed perfectly to meet his new parents.  The adoptive family, Craig and Marti, gather with their five-year-old daughter, Chloe, and their extended family in nervous anticipation of meeting the newest member of the family.  Once Jesse Taylor enters the room, everyone is captivated by the baby and the quiet strength of his birth mother, an amazing young woman whom we all have grown to love and adore.  This is a celebration.

Pictures will be posted this week.  Congratulations to Craig, Marti, and Chloe!  I Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him." 

God is good,
Deanne

Come On and Follow Along!

Welcome to the Family Life Services Blog - The Journey of Adoption!  As we have been brainstorming about various ways to connect our ministry with our clients, supporters, and friends, a blog seemed like the best way to accomplish this goal.  Various staff members will be contributing and we plan to update it at least weekly so you can have a window into the happenings of FLS, whether you are in Virginia or in another state.

Consider this to be our electronic newsletter!  You can find placement photos posted along the side of the page and details about upcoming events.  The blog posts will be a combination of  reviews on adoption-related books or materials, postings relating to various topics relating to adoption, and things that God has taught our staff as we seek to serve Him together as a team.  So, come on and follow along as we take this journey together...

Psalm 33:22 "May Your faithful love rest on us, Lord, for we put our hope in You."

Deanne