A Few Things Birthmoms Want Adoptive Families To Know...

We hosted our first Birthmother Retreat last month and took the opportunity, while we had such a powerful group assembled, to ask these young ladies for some things that they wish they could tell adoptive families about themselves.  The nuggets of wisdom that we gleaned from that simple exercise are priceless and we want to give a platform in this post for them to be shared.

• I made an adoption plan because I was mature enough to know that I wasn't ready to parent a child
• I don't want you to look down on me because I got pregnant before I was ready to parent
• Love me for who I am - I am not perfect and will make lots of mistakes and so will you
• The months and years after an adoption are a healing process, I still have good days and bad days.  If I back away from the relationship for a short period of time, please respect that it is part of my healing process and try to be understanding
• I didn't choose adoption because I am selfish; I made an adoption plan because I knew that an adoptive family could give my child the life that I can't give him or her right now
• Although my child has already been placed with you, their forever family, I still think about them every day
• I love my child, and always will, but I also love the you and your family.  You are family to me and I hope that you view me and my family as a part of yours
• I might not get to be a "mom" but I am still a mother
• We are not going to steal our birth children - we want them to be happy and secure in the family we chose for them and not traumatized
• Please acknowledge us on Mother's Day - you might be the only ones who do
• I place my child for adoption out of love and sacrifice, it wasn't because I didn't love my child or wanted the "easy way out" - adoption has been the most difficult decision I have ever made
• I want to be included in the big things and milestones in my child's life but it means a lot when you include me in the little things too
• My child will always have a special place in my heart
• As we talk about our relationship, I want the you to be honest about what you really want
• My greatest desire is for my relationship with your family to grow through the years
• You don't have to pretend that you're perfect, I know that I am not and my family is not.  It would make me feel more "normal" if I knew some of the things that were not perfect in your family too.  Share with me your challenges, dysfunctions, and about your "crazy" family members
• I hope that you don't feel threatened or overwhelmed if my family wants to get to know you too
• I want you to be comfortable enough to ask me the hard questions about the birthfather or the situation, but I also want you to be respectful if I don't have the answers
• Stay strong and hopeful if you are seeking adoption and haven't been chosen.  There is a birth family who is looking for the qualities that are found in your family
• Take as many pictures as possible - there will never be too many.  We want to see pictures of everyday activities, not just posed pictures.  Send us pictures of him or her throwing a fit, covered from head to toe in pudding or paint, and doing other activities.  We also want to see pictures, not only of our child, but of you too
• I am the only person who will be just as excited as you about the mundane details of the child's life, so ramble away in as much detail as you can share
• We chose you to raise our child, so we want to have updates about you and not just updates about the child
• Now that I've placed a child with you, we are all family
• We love you so much



How Adoptive Parents Can Help Birth Parents Tell A Positive Adoption Story

It's no secret - adoptive parents are usually strong and outspoken advocates for adoption.  When someone shares that they have either adopted a child or placed a child for adoption, it usually opens up a window of previously undisclosed information leading to a lengthy exchange of experiences and stories.  The conversation typically begins like this - "I have a friend who has a neighbor who had a sister who..."

In the age of technology and advanced tools for advertising, the strongest "advertising" still comes from personal experience that is passed along by word of mouth. 

Did you know that adoptive parents can be extremely influencial in whether their child's birth parent is a positive advocate for adoption or not?  From talking with hundreds of birth parents over the years, it has come to our attention that the happiest and most secure birth parents have been treated with unconditional love and respect from their child's adoptive family while the birth parents who have had the most difficulty accepting their adoption decision have been connected with adoptive families who didn't follow through with their initial promises and expectations.

I'm not naive enough to think that there will never be a situation, in either the birth family or adoptive family, that will cause the frequency of visits or contact to change, but it seems that the most damage is done when these issues are not discussed and the adoptive family retreats from contact with no explanation.  The conversation may be difficult, but we, as adults, are not promised a life without difficult and honest talks.  A lack of explanation introduces a whole new group of unanswered questions for birth parents that leads to insecurity, worry, and uncertainty.

So, how can you best advocate for adoption?  Treat your child's birthparents with unconditional love, respect, and honesty and they will have a positive story to tell the next time someone begins an adoption conversation about their friend's neighbor's sister...

Cameron's Story: 16 & Pregnant - Part 4

FLS Birthmom, Cameron, has graciously allowed us to follow along as she shares her personal journey of teenage pregnancy. If you haven't been following along, make sure to go back to read Part 1, Part 2 & Part 3. Her story is one of intense emotion, struggling faith, and ultimate victory.

Adoption day came and I was so excited I couldn’t stop shaking. Pat and Roger walked in and my heart fluttered. I wanted to yell and say - wait until you see him, he is PERFECT. The foster mom brought Ryan in and Roger and Pat fluttered with emotions. They smiled and cried and smiled some more. They hugged me and said “Thank you so much. He is beautiful”. He certainly was the most beautiful baby. I left there knowing that I had made the best decision. “Thank you God”, I whispered.

Over the next few weeks Pat and I kept in touch often. She would tell me all the new things he was doing and I would tell her about my day. Since Ryan’s birth, we have continued to have regular contact and they send me numerous updates. From day one...they have been a part of my family. I couldn’t ask for anything better.

I was so blessed that the Lord was there with me. He let me know that Ryan belonged to Pat and Roger. I was thankful for that. Of course, there were tears and hurt and mixed feelings, but in the end it all worked out. When I see Ryan now I don’t hurt, I don’t cry anymore and my heart is happy. I didn’t place him for adoption because I didn’t want him. I placed him because I loved him. I always will.

Cameron's Story: 16 & Pregnant - Part 3

FLS Birthmom, Cameron, has graciously allowed us to follow along as she shares her personal journey of teenage pregnancy. If you haven't been following along, make sure to go back to read Part 1 & Part 2. Her story is one of intense emotion, struggling faith, and ultimate victory.

I called Deanne the next day and told her that I had made my mind up and wanted to place this child for adoption. I stated that I didn’t want to consider any other family. I was bound and determined that Roger & Pat were my son’s new parents. She informed me that there was another girl who was considering this family. NO WAY. This was MY family. I left feeling hurt and depressed...dreading the possibility of having to start this process over again.

Deanne called me and told me that another girl had called and asked Roger and Pat to be her child’s adoptive parents and they agreed. She told me that, after speaking to the agency’s director, she was able to call and ask them if they were willing to adopt another child as well. Deanne called me back and said, “Great news. They would love to adopt your son as well.” We called them to tell them I had chosen them and the enthusiastically agreed to parent my son. I remember feeling like there was a weight lifted from my chest and I felt so much relief.

Pat and I spoke often and the more we talked the closer I felt to her. She reminded me so much of my mom and I felt like I could tell her anything. Our relationship grew stronger and I shared with her any news I received from my doctor. We continued to keep in touch weekly.

Finally, the time came when my doctor informed me that he would be inducing me the following Monday. I was glad to not have to be pregnant anymore and I was happy to have these little feet out of my ribs! I was admitted to the hospital at 5:00 a.m. to start the birthing process. Ryan Joshua was born a few hours later and I couldn’t wait to tell Pat. I called her from the hospital and she was so excited...I was too.

They brought Ryan to me and I was overwhelmed with emotion. He was beautiful. I couldn’t stop kissing him. Later that night I held him close and told him that he was very special to me and that I found the perfect family for him that could give him everything he wanted and needed. I told him that I would always love him and would be here every step of his life. I made a promise to him that I would never stop loving him. That night, we snuggled and slept together and all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait for Pat to lay eyes on him. She and Roger were going to love him.

The day came to leave the hospital and, though my heart ached to leave Ryan there, I knew that he was going to be well taken care of and this was the plan I felt was best.

Cameron's Story: 16 & Pregnant - Part 2

FLS Birthmom, Cameron, has graciously allowed us to follow along as she shares her personal journey of teenage pregnancy. If you haven't been following along, make sure to go back to read Part 1.  Her story is one of intense emotion, struggling faith, and ultimate victory.

Later that week, I had an appointment with the woman who would be my social worker. Ugh. I walked in Deanne’s office and she greeted me with this bright smile. How could someone be so happy about seeing a pregnant kid? “Hi Cameron, I’m Deanne. We are going to be working together and I will be here to help in any way I can”. She wanted to talk with me about the pros and cons of parenting and adoption. An hour or so later I walked back to my room at the Godparent Home. That night I laid in my bed and prayed. I will give God one more shot. I still didn’t hear anything. The next day I went back to Deanne’s office and sat down. She wanted to show me portfolios of different families who were waiting to adopt a child. She informed me that in no way was she trying to push me to place this child for adoption but she wanted to provide me with information on the adoption process so I could make an educated decision. I eventually ended up picking two families to interview just to get a feel of some couples wanting to adopt and to hear their stories. This would at least give me the opportunity to explore the thought of adoption. However, I still wasn’t convinced.

I eventually ended up leaving the Godparent Home to return to live with my family in Virginia, but agreed to continue meet with my caseworker at Family Life Services so I could come up with a plan for myself and my child – whatever that may be.

During the course of counseling, my dad and I attended an adoption event, hosted by the agency, and I was anxious to speak to two prospective couples that I thought I might like. I knew that they may have their hopes up and I didn’t want to let them down. We were standing in the corner waiting for the right time to visit with the first couple when I heard a boisterous laugh from across the room. I saw a red headed woman who had an infectious smile and a southern accent that reminded me so much of my mom. I smiled. I wanted to speak with her. She had me intrigued. I wanted to know more about this woman. I asked Deanne “Is there any way I can change my mind on the couples I want to try to talk with? I want to interview that lady.” “Sure” Deanne said. “I will see what I can do.”

I was able to sit down with the couple, who introduced themselves as Roger and Pat. They began to explain their journey and dreams of having their own child. They had a rough time with trying to conceive. My heart went out to Pat because here I was - sixteen, pregnant and trying to figure out what to do with a baby. Pat had tried for so long and it never happened. At that point, I felt God tugging at my heart. I knew for sure, right then, that I wanted to provide this joy to someone who was so deserving and could provide a life I couldn’t for my son.

I told Deanne that I didn’t want to interview with anyone else. My dad and I left and I said to him - “They’re it”! My dad smiled and said - “I thought the same thing”. During our ride home, I felt at ease. I had a huge sense of relief and was able to breathe again. My dad was right, I would hear God if I seek Him. He was there and He never left or forgot me. “Thank you Lord” - I thought. From that point on God let me know that this was not MY child.

Cameron's Story: 16 & Pregnant - Part 1

Over the next several weeks - we have the privilege of sharing with you "Cameron's Story".  She is one of the birth moms who placed her son with Roger & Pat, who were recently featured in this blog post.  Cameron has graciously allowed us to follow along as she shares her personal journey of teenage pregnancy.  Her story will be broken up into several parts, that will be posted every Wednesday.  Her story is one of intense emotion, struggling faith, and ultimate victory.

We have all heard or seen the show Sixteen and Pregnant. In my opinion, the show seems to glorify the fact of being pregnant at sixteen or sometimes even younger. It portrays stories of young girls who discover they are pregnant and the process of their pregnancy. Most of the girls are excited to be pregnant and can’t wait to be a mom. I have to say, personally, I didn’t experience the same feelings. I never once felt excited to be pregnant, I never dreamed of being a teenage mother, I never fantasized about showing my child off to my friends in name brand clothing or thought about how great it would be to have a baby of my own. In fact it was quite opposite. I was scared and ashamed. My journey was completely different - here is my story.

Sixteen. Pregnant. This can’t be. When I wake up tomorrow this will be just a nightmare. But I never woke up from it. What am I going to do? How can I tell my family? My dad is going to be so angry. I will be grounded for life. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. But it was my reality. My dad always taught me to wait until marriage. I was terrified.

I continued my daily life, hiding my secret from my friends and church family. I wouldn’t go to church because I couldn’t face God. What about abortion? That’s my easy way out. Yeah, that’s what I will do. That’s the best idea. I will be free of all this and can move on. I came to my dad and informed him of my decision. I didn’t expect the reaction I got, considering Dad was just as embarrassed as I was. I heard these words - “No way. You are not getting an abortion. That is a life inside of you and you will not murder an innocent child. I did not raise you to take the easy way out and I will not condone you sinning against the Lord.” What? No. He was wrong. I can’t believe he said that. Fine. I will figure out a way to get this done on my own.

Later that week my dad approached me and said that we were going for a ride. Where does he plan on taking me? Baby shopping? It was a long drive of silence to Lynchburg, VA. We pulled into the parking lot. Where are we? What is this? We walked through the door of the Godparent Home and were greeted by a lady who led us to her office. I looked around and noticed that this was a home for pregnant teens. My dad was forcing me to move in here? It’s not fair. No. I am not staying here. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much choice. I was still a minor and this is what my Dad thought was best. So...here I am in my new home for the next seven months. Great. Thanks a lot Dad. Thanks for the “support”.

A few days passed and I hated the place. I refused to make friends and, for the most part, I kept to myself. I realized that I wasn’t going to get my abortion and I was stuck with a baby. I attended many lectures about being a parent and adoption. I can’t give my child up. This is my blood. I would never. These people are crazy. There has to be another way out of this.

My dad came up to visit because he wanted to talk in person. He sat me down in a quiet room and explained to me that he wanted me to pray over this. He begged me to seek God. “Just give Him a chance Cameron. For me please”. Fine. What was it going to hurt? After all, I had plenty of time on my hands. So I began to pray every night. I never heard a word and He still wasn’t helping me.

Remember to check back in with The Journey of Adoption next Wednesday to read more of Cameron's Story.

A Birthmother's Post-Adoption Grief

Every birthmother & birthfather experiences grief and loss when choosing to make an adoption plan.  Although the general stages of grief can be applied to each situation, every individual moves through the stages in a unique way and on a different timeline.  One FLS birthmother has chosen to share some of her feelings during a difficult moment in the process, to allow others to empathize with the normal feelings that birthparents must experience to get through the grieving process.

There are many days I question myself.  Lately, I have been in a bad mood and just not really wanting to talk to anyone.  I feel as if no one understands what I have been through.  FLS told us we would go through many different feelings of loss after placement, but I really didn’t think that would happen to me. 

I knew what I did was right!  Then, I started seeing other young girls around me who were able to take care of their baby...why couldn’t I?

I started to doubt my decision.  I didn’t really want to talk to the adoptive family anymore.  They were happy...and I wasn’t.  I started to get upset that they had MY baby until I realized these things - I barely have money to put gas in my car, pay for my car and now pay for school.  How on earth do I think I could support a baby!?  How would I be able to pay for diapers, formula, and clothes and still support myself?  I told myself when I was pregnant, “I WILL NOT rely on my parents to support me!”  Yet, that’s exactly what I would be doing if I was parenting a baby right now.

So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I go to the box where I have kept everything the adoptive family has given to me.  I start reading EVERY card they have ever sent to me and look at all the pictures they given me and think to myself -  “My baby girl is happier and better taken care of then I could ever have done myself at this point in my life.” I know this will not be the end of my hard days but I know that...in the end…I made the right decision.

Here's a great article to help you understand more about Birth Parent Loss and Grief.

1 Adoptive Family + 2 Birth Families = Summer Vacation Memories

FLS Adoptive Family, Roger & Pat, pictured above with children Ryan & Morgan.  We asked them to share about their summer vacation plans which included a road trip to visit both of their children's birth mothers.  Pictures with members of Morgan's birth family & Ryan's birth family are below the story.  This is one adoptive family who has prioritized keeping adoption connections intact for their family.  Enjoy!

My husband, Roger, and I adopted our daughter, Morgan, and son, Ryan, through Family Life Services eight years ago. We chose to have an open adoption with their birth mothers. I look at these young women as our heroes because they sacrificed so much to make sure their babies had two Christian parents.

We live in Tennessee, and our children’s birth mothers live in Pennsylvania and Virginia. Open adoption has been a wonderful experience for us because we have been honest with each other about our feelings and expectations. Even though we wish we could see each other more often, we try to get together every two to three years. We all have had the experience of people being astonished by our relationship. Some people say they can’t believe that we would let our children’s birth moms be a part of their lives and others tell the birth moms they can’t believe that we would let them see the child they gave birth to. It’s hard for me to understand their concerns, as I’ve always believed that no one can have too many people loving them.

This year, we used our vacation to see these special women. Following a two-day drive, we made it to Pennsylvania to spend a day with Heidi, Morgan’s birth mother, and her two children, Joshua and Hannah. Morgan knew Joshua, but was so excited to meet her half-biological sister, Hannah, who is three years old. Morgan is a caregiver, so she wanted to carry Hannah around all day. It was too cute. What a fabulous day we had watching the children play and interact. Of course, we took lots of photos. It was so natural and comfortable, like visiting with family. For me, it was really special to see Morgan and Heidi together. Even though Morgan doesn’t have a complete understanding of it all, I could tell she felt a connection with Heidi, which I am thrilled about.

We then saw the patriotic things on vacation: Gettysburg, Statue of Liberty, World Trade Center Memorial Preview Center, and Liberty Bell. After that we headed for Lynchburg to visit Rose, Deanne and Janelle at Family Life Services. Morgan and Ryan were so excited to find their placement photo pages in the agency scrapbooks. I showed Morgan where Roger held her for the first time and where I changed her diaper for the first time. And we showed Ryan where we saw him for the first time; where we held and fed him for the first time. They loved hearing those stories. Janelle even gave us a tour of the Godparent Home so Morgan could see where Heidi lived when she was pregnant with her. That home is simply beautiful and has been a blessing to so many girls.

We ended our vacation by spending a day with Cameron, Ryan’s birth mom, and her son, Aaron, at a children’s museum. The boys clicked right away and they were so cute together. Since Aaron is only 4 years old, Ryan and Morgan felt the need to “take care” of him. It was incredible seeing them together. I loved watching Cameron watch Ryan. She loves him so much and we love her. We have such a mutual admiration for each other. That night Cameron and I took the children swimming at the hotel pool. We had a great time catching up with each other and I learned more about how she chose us. It seems my laugh and southern accent had something to do with her decision to interview us.

However, when all is said and done, it was God that put us all together. I’m so thankful for these wonderful women who allowed the Lord to use them to build our family and answer our prayers. Roger and I heard from the Lord many years ago that we would be parents, but we didn’t know how. God blessed us over and beyond what we prayed for or expected when He chose us to be Morgan and Ryan’s Momma and Daddy.

Honest Thoughts from a Birth Father

There are books, blogs, articles, discussion boards and documentaries about the experience of adoption for birth mothers and adoptive families...but where are the birth father voices?  Sadly, the resources available to help us understand their experience are so limited that they are almost non-existent. 

Last year, I came across the blog of a birth father who was willing to open up and share his perspective on his recent open adoption experience.  Referring to himself as "I Am" (pictured above), he honestly and openly shares about the good, the bad, and the difficult thoughts and feelings associated with his adoption experience.  The below post is shared with permission - check out the rest of his blog called Statistically Impossible.
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I'm to visit my son tomorrow. It will be the first visit in quite a while. Last month Athena and I were both ill and desperately needed time to recover. Our previous visit had been near the beginning of the month. This visit, obviously near the end of the month, marks the end of nearly three months without visitation. In short, it's been too long. When last we were to see Festus he had developed a vocabulary of about eight words. I don't know what I'll encounter when I see him tomorrow. The truth is this visit has been filling me with some dread.

My son is talking. He is able to communicate. Quickly he'll be developing the ability to create complex ideas and in just a few short years he'll be regularly delving into abstraction. I shudder at this. I haven't had the chance to be proud as I haven't seen it yet. Had you asked me a year ago how I'd feel about this I'd have been happy and delighted to finally be able to communicate with him in ways that I can understand. Now I am terrified of two monosyllables; "why", and "no".

"Why". Why did Athena and I place him into the only home he knows? Why didn't we parent him? Why do we feel the way we do about children and, thus, him? These are all questions that I've answered theoretically to myself and many, many other people. But they have a different ring when I can see the face and hear the voice that they matter to the most.

"No". No, you don't have the right to be in my life anymore. No I will not accept a relationship with you. I don't believe your answers to my questions. They aren't good enough. They don't make enough sense. They hurt me too much. You have hurt me too much. I know I'm putting words into his mouth. I know he may not say some, or possibly any of these things to me or Athena. But I am very good at playing the "Worst Case Scenario" game. In most of my worst imaginings the apocalypse is a welcome reprieve.

The real point is that I now see that I will actually have to face what my son has to say about his experience. Again, theoretically I have done this and made my peace with it. But as any parent, birth-, adoptive-, step-, foster-, grand-, or traditional, can attest children have a way of jarring you despite your best plans and preparations. This is often a good thing. Children are excellent at living in their present experience and frequently call us to do the same. Frankly many adults, myself especially, can use all the help we can get in that regard. But there are still times when that notion is rather terrifying. My hope is that tomorrow I will be in the present instead of worrying about some dreadful confrontation with my son that may never occur. I hope he can help pull me into the present, so when I hear him speak for the first time, he is all I hear.

Wendy's Story: Lives Changed, Futures Restored

This was written by a birthmother who received counseling and services from our organization in 2002.  When asked what this ministry has meant to her, this was her response and testimony to the life-changing efforts of FLS & LGH.

If the Liberty Godparent Home & Family Life Services had not helped me in 2002, I would not be where I am today and I would not have been able to kick my drug habit! When I came to the home, they told me I was too old for the residential program but agreed to talk to me about my situation and see how they could help. I cried and told the director, at the time, what I was going through - I had a two year old son that I could not take care of and I was pregnant with another child in addition to having a drug addiction. They never turned their backs on me, regardless of my circumstances or my age. I haven’t done anything illegal since the day I stepped foot into the Godparent Home. When I placed my son for adoption through Family Life Services, the ministry helped me to get a job at Liberty University where I worked in Admissions for four years. I then transitioned into overseeing the Customer Service department at a large company where I have worked ever since.

I see my birth son about three to four times a year and have built a very good open adoption relationship with the adoptive mother and father. I have full custody of my oldest son and am now parenting a younger son as well. I am getting ready to get married June 11, 2011 to my best friend and we have been in a relationship for nine years. I am also an active member of my church. If it wasn’t for Family Life Services and the Godparent Home, I have no idea where I (or my two children) would be. They truly saved my life and gave me hope for a bright future. I am so thankful for this ministry’s investment in my life and will tell this story to anyone that will ask!

Wendy is pictured below with her fiance.  Thank you for sharing your story of a life impacted and changed!



Birth Mother Pottery Group - A Different Kind of Therapy!

Last night, we hosted our monthly Birth Mother Support Group at the Liberty Godparent Home.  It was a different kind of group - no discussion plans, no gut-wrenching poems to read, no expectations for each person to share something with the group about her adoption journey...instead, we painted pottery!

To some, this may sound like a silly and frivolous plan and yet we wanted to provide an activity for women with similar experiences to connect on another level...a real-life, everyday kind of level where we can appreciate each person for their style, creativity, zest for life, imagination, etc.  So, they came in jeans & pj's and indulged in chocolate, cookies, chips, and soda while settling in for an evening of relaxation. 

Many of the 15 ladies in attendance have been coming to the group for years (some as many as 8 years) and others were newly acquainted to the group.  As the evening progressed, we found 3 groups of ladies gathered around tables talking about life, love, family, school, work, and adoption.

Several of the women chose to create something as a gift to the child whom they placed with an adoptive family.  This gift will be priceless, unique, and encompasses the eternal love that a birth mother feels for her child. 

Was this group complicated or counseling-oriented?  No.  Was it therapeutic?  Absolutely.  We're learning that sometimes the best plan comes when you think outside the box!

Lifetime Adoption Foundation - Educational Scholarships for Birth Parents

The Lifetime Adoption Foundation has been an organization that we have often referred birth parents to when looking at pursuing educational opportunities.  They believe that birth parents who have chosen adoption for their children deserve the opportunity for a future after adoption in the same way that they have made decisions to provide their child with a healthy future.  Birth mothers or birth fathers may apply for scholarship funds and they award 80-90% of applicants with a scholarship of $50 - $500.  Here is the criteria for scholarship and information about the application process.  Although the funding is limited, every little bit helps!

We have the scholarship packet available on PDF at our office as well.  If you would like us to send you the information, we can forward it via email.